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  1. A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.” “Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”
  2. What is Forrest Gump's password? 1Forrest1
  3. Why did the M&M go to school? He wanted to be a Smartie
  4. What do you call bears with no ears? B
  5. What do you call a Fish with no 'I' ?   FSH
  6. Why do French people eat snails? They don't like fast food!
  7. What is sticky and brown? A stick!
  8. How does a rabbi make coffee? Hebrews it!
  9. Rest in peace boiling water. You will be mist!
  10. How do you throw a space party? You planet!
  11. Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
  12. I hate Russian dolls… they're so full of themselves!
  13. Why did the gym close down? It just didn't work out!
  14. I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
  15. What are a shark's two most favorite words? Man overboard!
  16. Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
  17. Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
  18. What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
  19. Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
  20. What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner's on me!
  21. Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
  22. I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
  23. I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
  24. What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell!
  25. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.
  26. Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
  27. How do trees get online? They just log on!
  28. Where does the sheep get his hair cut? The baa baa shop!
  29. I never make mistakes. …I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
  30. As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay – it’s in my jeans
  31. Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.
  32. I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death
  33. I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me
  34. I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one
  35. This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?
  36. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
  37. I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.
  38. How does NASA organise a party? They planet.
  39. My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore
  40. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down
  41. A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals
  42. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
  43. I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal
  44. My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off.
  45. Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied:‘Put some cold in then.
  46. My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?” I said: “No it doesn’t!
  47. Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.
  48. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot
  49. I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want
  50. I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?
  51. Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?
  52. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
  53. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said “40”.
  54. Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’? There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.
  55. Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes
  56. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? “Aye matey.
  57. What’s E.T. short for? He’s only got little legs.
  58. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.
  59. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
  60. Being a Tranny takes Balls
  61. What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeño business!
  62. Exit signs? They’re on the way out!
  63. Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
  64. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
  65. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
  66. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
  67. What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? “Thanks! I’ll never part with it!
  68. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle!
  69. I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
  70. Local man killed by falling piano. It will be a low key funeral.
  71. What do you call a train carrying Bubble Gum? A Chew Chew Train
  72. What you call a Rabbit with a bent penis? Fucks Funny
  73. What you do if you see a Space man??   Park man.
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Topic starter Posted : 24/07/2021 11:18 pm
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